Exactly 6 years ago today my journey with infertility and reccurrent pregnancy loss started. I can remember the day like it was yesterday. It was my first visit with my ob and I was 11wks5days pregnant. I can remember how excited I was, I was going to have a sonogram and see my baby and it's heartbeat. Once we were finally called back we met with the nurse and went over everything and then we went to the sono room. I got undressed and got on the table then the tech got started. Being a newbie I had no idea what to expect or what was going on. I just remember silence and wanting the tech to tell me something. And then she said the words that broke my heart into a million little pieces..."this is not a good pregnancy, there is no heartbeat".

I still cry everytime I think of that moment. That moment started a very long and very heartbreaking journey for me.

As often as women miscarry you would think that the drs office would be prepared, but there weren't. We had to sit in a room waiting for the dr to be
free so he could talk to us. And then of course he said what all drs say after the first miscarriage "this happens a lot and there is no reason to think that next time it would happen again"...if only. After meeting with the dr we scheduled the d&c for friday (it was wednesday). I had to go to the surgery center and have my blood drawn, all the time wishing I could just go and call my mom and sob. Josh called my friends and let them know. 3 Wonderful friends came over that night and cleaned up the house for us and prayed for us. It was the second time I sw Josh cry. The next day I had to go to work. Not because I had to but because I knew I couldn't sit at home and think aobut it. At the door I broke down and told one of the nurses I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could continue after losing this baby. I remember meeting the dr in the hall and him giving me a big hug and telling me how sorry he was.

That night I emailed my friend and told her how I couldn't fathom the dr going in and taking my child out. How unfair and cruel it was. My mom drove into town for the d&c, she came for all of them. For me the procdure was easy. I was happy to have some pain killers to dull the my feelings.
As we all know everyday it gets easier and eventually I was ready to try again. But that first experience took away my innocence

Thanks for reading, I have never written it all down before and it was good. And I know one of these days the details will become less and less clear, so I'm glad to have this place as a record.

Thanks also to all of you for helping me through those years and celebrating with me when my dream finally did come true.

Rian,

Tears are streaming down my face for you...

I am so happy that your Kai made his way to you. ((Rian))

Rian ... I'm so sad for you and all you've been through. Thinking of and praying for you.

Hugs (((Rian))). You were one of the first to welcome me to LAM and I will always remember how much better I felt because of your kind words! Hold Kai extra tight today.

Rian, I'm glad it helped to tell us your story. Made me tear up too, I'm so glad you're a mommy now!

((((Rian)))) thanks for sharing your story...it made me cry, just to think of the pain you have been through...thinking of you today

Rian, thanks for telling your story. I am so glad you have your little man to hold tight. Hugs.
Lizete

Thanks for sharing your story that brought back such familiar feelings of my own. (((Hugs)))

I am so sad right now for all the pain you went through and all of the angels you had to let go in your journey to becoming Kai's mother. (((((Rian))))

Rian hugzz just know one day you will finally get to see your angels again but in the mean time hug and hold kia as tight as possible

Rian, your story has made me cry as well. Its sad to remember these painful moments. But we cant control ourselves.

I am very sorry for your losses, glad that you have your little bundle of joy now. ((((((HUGS))))))

Rian,
I've been missing a few weeks now, but when I saw this, I knew I had to post, even if a week late...

(((hugs))) I am sorry for what you've been through, but so happy for what you've got now! Kai is your sweet miracle boy and worth the long and hard wait! Your angels are all watching over him!

Thank you so much for sharing.

~Anna~